Why leaving social media helped me heal

    Leaving social media for good was a decision I made earlier this month. I had been taking breaks on and off from it every time I got burnt out. But I realized, being on social media was doing way more damage than I could handle mentally and emotionally. I don't like to use my diagnosis as a pass; however, I do tend to refer to it to give more context of where I am at emotionally and my perspective. I feel like people in general really don't get the struggles we face being neurodivergent.

    Firstly, for those of you who are new to my blog, welcome! My name is Arifa Kokab, and I am a scientist with Autism and ADHD. I am also very OCD and struggle to read and spell properly believe it or not, lol!

    Now back to social media. It is easy for a neurodivergent individual to begin comparing themselves to other people of their age and realizing how very different they are. At least, that is what happened to me. I realized (no I am not complaining) that I don't "fit in" and kept feeling like I was broken and that something is wrong with me. I also just don't get memes guys, I genuinely don't. I don't know when to laugh at them or what the "punch line" means (I just imagined a straight line with a boxing glove getting punched...lmao). My brain thinks in a literal type of way, I am very simple and black and white in my thought process. I am also definitely NOT sexy. And all of my posts were more geared towards my simple family life. I don't flaunt my body or look for the greatest number of likes and comments. 

    My hopes to inspire others and spread my "light" on social media was maybe too naive and even silly of me, once I realized no one took me seriously. In fact, every time I posted something, I would feel a pang of sadness in my throat and stomach. I felt like I was lacking something and had nothing special to post and show the world. Now, logically, as I look back, I realize how toxic this was for me. No one should feel this way. But I don't blame anyone in particular, it is a "me" problem, I kept comparing myself to other women on social media and feeling inferior. I realized I have major self-esteem issues.

    So, I took a permanent step back, away from all the noise; away from all the "perfect women" that are truly amazing in their own ways; away from anyone and anything that could negatively impact my mental sanity and peace. And I have never been happier! I chose myself and refused to allow myself to feel small again. I know with time my self-esteem will grow, and I am working on it. But I have now created an environment to allow it to blossom naturally. 

    I am not a talker AT ALL in general; I am highly introverted and love being inside my house. I hardly go out unless it is for professional, family or medical purposes. I cannot carry a conversation well; I get confused on what to say (unless it is in my area of interest, then your ears might bleed..!). And there is NOTHING wrong in that! 

    I also get overstimulated pretty fast to be honest. Loud noises; too many people; too many scents; unfamiliar places...nope, not for me!! I love my routine. I order the same thing every time at the same restaurant if I go out (rarely) and need to sit at the same table. I am very picky with texture of fabrics and the seat on which I am sitting. Clearly, I am NOT an easy person, and I recognize that and it breaks my heart, this realization. I begin crying silently when I am overstimulated and that can embarrass those that are with me. My brain goes into a toxic endless loop if I get "stuck" on something, physiologically affecting me negatively. I'll vomit, have trouble eating, sleeping, etc. I feel like I am too much to handle, not because I choose to be at all. I wish I wasn't, but I am and it is what it is.

    So, in the end, leaving social media was the best decision ever. I get to focus on only me now and build myself in solitude. If I feel like sharing something with the world, then I can post my raw thoughts on my personal blog, and I don't automatically see what the rest of the world is up to, so I don't end up comparing myself. A win-win situation!! Period slayyyy! Until next time!

xXx,

Soni